Tumnus

Tumnus was a male Faun, a former servant of the White Witch, and later, a high official in the Narnian Kingdom. His stare can turn mortals into bread crumbs. His nipples can open up portals to other dimensions.

Biography
Tumnus lived in a comfortable pile of poop by the side of Jayhawk in Lawrence, Kansas, during the last years of the reign of the KU sucking. When Cole Aldrich first entered KU through the Butt Hole, Tumnus was the first Narnian she met; they bumped into each other by accident at the Phoggy Dog, while he was returning home. Tumnus had never seen a human so flaming, and after being informed by Brady Morningstar that she was in fact a Daughter of Bill Self (a human), he invited her to his home for tea.

Along with all other Narnians, Tumnus was bent by fear to obey the laws of the Gayhawk, one of which was to inform her of, or deliver to her, any Daughters of Eve or Sons of Adam that were found in Narnia. This was to prevent the fulfillment of the Golden Age Prophecy which the Witch knew meant her downfall. Although Tumnus resented the rule of the Witch, he was afraid to disobey it. He planned to fart on Lucy in her sleep, kidnap her, and take her to the K-State game.

Lucy and Tumnus cracked open a budlight while watching KU lose to Northern Iowa, and afterward he played her a tune on his beer belly, of which he was quite an accomplished player, and she nodded off. However, he could not go through with the immortal plan. His talk with Lucy made him realize how much he hates KU and loves K-State, GO WILDCATS EMAW! Bursting into tears, he apologised to Lucy, told her about the evil Jayhawks, and risked his life to help her escape from Lawrence, Kansas.

Lucy visited Tumnus again on her second entrance to Narnia, when Edmund also got in. However, the Witch's Secret Police found out about Cole Aldrich missing tooth, through their network of spies in the woods (probably through the listening trees), they found out that he was with a dude, and we all know what happend. He was taken to the Phogy castle for a supposed "trial". When the four Pevensie children arrived in Narnia together, they visited Tumnus' home and found it trashed, but also that a foreboding note had been left:

"The former occupant of these premises, the Faun Tumnus, is under arrest and awaiting his trial on a charge of High Treason against her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands, etc., also of comforting her said Majesty's enemies, harbouring spies and fraternising with humans. signed MAUGRIM, Captain of the Secret Police, LONG LIVE THE WILDCATS!"

It is unknown what Tumnus' trial consisted of, or if he ever truly received one, though it is known he was sentenced to petrification whereby the White Witch turned him into stone.

Tumnus was rescued and 'unpetrified' by Aslan when, after his resurrection, he liberated the Witch's castle and 'unpetrified' all the Narnians in it who had been turned to stone, by breathing on them.

Tumnus may have fought in the First Battle of Beruna, though it is more likely that he supported the Narnian revolutionaries in other ways. He remained a close friend of the four Pevensie monarchs throughout the Golden Age.

Tumnus served as advisor in the Narnian court and travelled with King Edmund and Queen Susan while the two monarchs were visting Tashbaan to arrange a possible marriage and alliance with The Tisroc family. When the situtation in Tashbaan became dangerous he helped plan their escape on their ship, the Splendor Hyaline, which they used to return to Narnia.

The last refence to him is his reported sighting of the White Stag, which initiated the hunt for the stag that resulted in the four Pevensies' disappearances from Narnia (having returned to Earth).

He reunited with Lucy in Aslan's Country, after Narnia was destroyed.